Words on a Friday Aug 19, 2011

Have you been falling?
Have I been calling?
In names and shades
Of shadows that fade
Screaming with fear
Groaning in absent tears
Wasted, breaking, dissipating
Hesitating, debilitating
Between doors of heavens and hells
Made from bones that crumbled
Over the drains of my youth
Dripping through
Veins of truth


Waving goodbye!

Picture Courtesy Google Images

Did I hear you say hello?
I was just leaving
Now that the time is over
Am tired of living a lie
Seeing the truth is better
Than wasting away to die
Licking on dreams of a tomorrow
That never walks the door
Just fades into the light
Waving goodbye
One by one as they drift away
Out of sight

Did I hear you say love?
I’m sorry but you got to speak up
I’m a little deaf you see
Listening to your worldly ways
Twisted like you and yours
Like every soul that covets a life
And lives a lie
But I don’t blame you honey
It’s just me
Fading into the light
Waving goodbye

Did I hear anyone say open my eyes?
I’ve been staring at the sun
Blinded by the lies
I’m witnessing
A revolution of words
Walking the streets of reality
Watching glazed stares
Talking hypocrisy
No, I’m not trying
I’m not lying
I’m not crying
No, not anymore
I’ve just resigned to a fate of depravity
But I don’t blame you honey
It’s but me
Fading into the light
Waving goodbye

God and Hope!

Yesterday was quite an interesting day. I forced out an answer from a company that has been playing hide and seek with me with regards to possible employment. I very well knew what the answer would be but I prefer hearing it than hoping it is positive. And so, there it was, delivered with a smile and a little giggle. Then again, I have nothing against the little girl from HR who had to but give me an answer as I was breathing down her neck and for better or for worse, her smile and giggle made me laugh.

Laughing but disappointed, I now know my days in this wonderful country of Thailand are numbered. And no, I’m not one who sits and hopes for last-minute miracles. I used to at one point in time but that person is long dead, buried, and gone.

After mulling over my disappointing stint at trying to find employment in Thailand and becoming hopelessly depressed on seeing that I couldn’t shove myself into a train car packed like sardines, I took a walk. The walk took me to a small cafe restaurant that I quite like. It’s called Mokka and is opposite Lumphini Park next to a rather interesting sounding jazz bar, Brown Sugar. Mokka is not a place I frequent but I’ve seen its open arms many a times and yesterday I ventured into it deciding to drink a few large pints of Stella Artois and maybe get something to eat. I can safely say that Stella does not taste sweet on an empty stomach. Nevertheless, I drank and ate and ate again whilst reading Mark Lynas’ new book, The God Species. It is a very interesting read and for a person who does not read any scientific journals, I can say that the first 30 odd pages itself has raised my scientific knowledge by quite a bit and made me all the more curious as well as opinionated on the issue of life.

Once I was done, I did the one thing that is not me, talk to strange women. I must admit, it was partly because I found one of them quite attractive. They were sitting on the table behind me. One seemed quieter and more cautious (Cha) than the other (Pim) who seemed like a bright young filly full of spunk and ready to give anything a try. Perhaps their complexion and skin tone along with the lighting in the place had something to do with it. Cha looked 30’ish and a brownie like most of us while Pim looked mid 20’ish and a very fair girl. No, not pale and yellow but seriously fair, as in white with a hint of colour thanks to the wine that was being helped to generously.

I politely asked them if they would help me answer a question I was confused about with no proper answer in sight. They promptly replied they’d be happy to. And mind you, finding a native-Thai who speaks to you in near-fluent English in Thailand is quite like discovering the toffees on a Christmas treasure hunt. Nevertheless, this is how the conversation went.

Me: “Ladies, you are both very religious I suppose and irrespective of whatever religion, you believe that once we die, our souls go to heaven or to hell depending on our deeds on earth. You may also believe in reincarnation and the usual stuff that people have to say about life and death. So, my question to you is, if for whatever reason a day comes when the entire human race (7+ billion people on this planet) become extinct, what do you suppose will happen?”

Cha: “What? What do you mean?”

Pim: “How can that happen? You mean, like an apocalypse?” (I simply loved her for using the word because it showed to me that she had a more expansive vocabulary than most Thai folk who speak decent English)

Me: “Well, yes. Apocalypse, if that’s how you wish to put it; like you know the dinosaurs becoming extinct. What do you suppose would happen?”

Pim did most of the talking after that while Cha played along. Here is what they had to say.

“It is not possible. How can the human race just become extinct? Then again, because you say so, if it does happen… No. Not possible. You see, in my religion – I’m a Buddhist (I wanted to tell her, so am I) – we believe in reincarnation. Ok, if such things were not to exist, I’m quite sure that the human race will come back into existence a few years after such a thing happens.”

Me: “I see what you mean. But don’t you think it would be hilarious if 7+billion people suddenly died and as per what is the popular belief, 7+billion souls wandered up in to the heavens? Imagine the logistical and administrative quandary dear old gods and goddesses of the different religions would face? Do you suppose, anyone will be willing to go to hell with Satan so someone better would be allowed entry through the gates of heaven?”

They looked at me as if I was a madman and then Pim went into another verbal explanation of how interesting the whole concept is.

That short conversation, before their dates arrived (they looked more like boys from the hood while these two ladies were dressed proper), made me think a little more and come to a conclusion that human race indeed is a unique one that thrives on some intangible and cooked up belief of something that probably does not exist. It then made me realize that if the concept of God did not exist, then humans being humans would have no sense of control over anything because even with that concept in place, humans prefer to be in a gray area rather than being on either side of the spectrum of good and bad. It then begs a question as to what is good and what is bad? The questions are never-ending but one thing is clear, the concept of God is what gives the human race, hope and without the concept of god or hope, the human race is a doomed race.

Strangely, it deems itself as the most superior race. I say strange because of all species on this planet, it probably has one of the most inferior and insecurity driven societal thinking. Why? Unlike the human predator, all other predators and non-predatory species on this planet survive by taking what they need and through a wonderful natural process, give back to the planet. The human race though takes more than it can give in return causing a rather uncomfortable imbalance. It is similar to the girl or boy you knew or know who hogs the limelight because without it, s/he is a lost cause.

But who am I to say so!

The Pope’s and High Priests of every possible religion say there is a God. No matter what language you speak or religion you follow, you will hear these words in different forms being uttered to you right from when you start to understand the human language, “God has the answers” which is akin to Christians pasting bumper stickers that read, “Jesus never fails”.

God and Hope!

No wonder, it takes most people a heady mix of alcohol to see the truth; including the local priest in your nearby religious sanctum, whatever it may be, temple, mosque, monastery, church, or whatsoever.

Reminiscing in time

It’s been almost three years since my life has turned around in ways I never thought was possible. Dreams have somewhat been left on a countertop of a kitchen somewhere in time and I’m but searching for it. But, in all earnestness, it and I are lost.

They say time teaches, time heals, time tells, and that time is but wise beyond us and anyone’s possible comprehension. What no one reminds you in time is that time is expedient, always on the run, never looking back and never coming back again, except by sheer coincidence for second chances that in most cases would never ever be possible. So, these 36 months have gone like a passing storm and it looks like it’s not over by a long shot. In the next two weeks, I will be unemployed for the third time in three years. It is quite a remarkable achievement for me given that I enjoyed three promotions in 2 years during the first few years of my work life. In these 36 months, I’ve forced my parents and family to accept my love only to see her walk out on me on our wedding day. In these 36 months, I’ve been lied to and disappointed by a brother I cared about so much so that I don’t know who he is anymore. These 36 months since, I’ve quit two jobs and will be leaving one shortly. In 36 months alone, I’ve seen one recession in the States, two bailouts in Europe, and a second possible recession forming in the US. In these 36 months, I’ve become uncle to two wonderful children and also lost their mother that makes me sad and sometimes feel completely helpless. These 36 months have made me see my father at his most vulnerable, that it makes me sick of myself to this day every time I think of it.

I don’t know where I’m going or what the purpose of my life is. All I know is, I’m breathing and living a lie that I wish I’d never have had to see. While the above might draw a grim picture, I’ve had some good fortune as well. I’ve met people from different walks of life, from many different countries, with numerous perspectives to life and everything it holds. Some I cherish, some I loathe, and some I don’t even bother to remember their name by the time we say goodbye.

Guess the only positive that I can take from these 36 months is the fact that I’ve started writing again. Maybe its all I can do keep me from breaking any further. Just maybe because it is the only way I can say what I feel because I’m alone though I’m in a crowd, I have friends that I can truly rely on, I have a family that loves me, I am lucky to have people who care if I’m alright. I know I’m fortunate to have all this that most in this world survive happily without, arm in arm with fair weather friends, families that constantly bicker and fight over trivial issues, and people who care only for what they can retrieve from you.

Two weeks from now, I’m not sure where I’ll be. Two weeks from now, it will be exactly 36 months since August 2008. Strange, how life is and how time can make you think. August 2008, I got engaged with my parents asking for her hand in marriage to her parents. August 2009, I started a new life in Thailand. August 2010, I got a contract to work with Western Digital Thailand. August 2011, it appears will be my last month in Thailand. It’s strange how a single month over a three-year period can have so much significance.

The last time a number had so much significance was probably my 13th birthday. It was an amazing year that started with a bout of acute jaundice (my third and most severe one) that was followed by eating boiled food for almost the whole year. Somewhere that year, I managed a broken wrist, which I broke a second time on the day my cast was removed and then had to undergo a minor surgery to get my hand to straighten out. For most parts it is straight but lifting anything beyond a certain weight hurts, occasionally.

In fact, 13 years after my 13th birthday, I landed in the city of Bangalore instead of heading to London because I figured experience on the job was more important than pursuing a full scholarship MBA. Great call for a couple of months later I met her. I don’t know how to explain it all when I look back in time but April 7, 2005 was a day that changed my life in more ways than I can start to understand. So, what is it with me, 13, August, and a whole bunch of dates in my life? I have no clue.

But, isn’t it fascinating. My 13th year alive was perhaps the most violent for me healthwise and 12 years later, on the next 13th year, I fell emotionally only to be rooted beyond repair 5 years later. Go figure this, the 5th year after my 13th birthday started an amazing low point in my life when I finished school and was completely lost. It took almost six years for me to come out of it. In the 5th year after my move to Bangalore, I was on the streets, emotionally wrecked and completely lost. 3 years have passed since and things seem to be looking up but going by history, it’ll be another 3 years before I find myself only to go back into ruin in the ensuing 5th year.

By now, I know all about cycles. Economic, business, sales, and what not it be. And I’m very experienced now in my very own cycle of life. I’m also quite sure there is no such thing or being as GOD. Its more a figment of imagination to keep the weak from breaking and the strong from wrecking havoc. Someone to fear and revere so dreams don’t die abrupt ends and hope is kept alive in the grimmest of moments. In time, you learn and grow up. Unfortunately, for all of my learning, some still believe strongly that I’m the least mature person around. Then again, I’m the least likely to say no and the least likely to judge you on how many you sleep with. I’ll just say it like it is and so I understand that only immature people say what they feel and the mature one’s lie their way through life in a sophisticated and educated garb of diplomacy.

There is one thing though that I’m quite sure time does. Time teaches and it is the best teacher anyone can ever ask for. Pity, it doesn’t come in any other form but experiences, good and bad. Nevertheless, it is good to sit by yourself and reminisce in time. You maybe surprised by yourself.

On days like these I…

On days like these
I picture you flying high
Across the skies in blue and white
Among clouds and raindrops forming rainbows
Up in the skies, over the valleys
As you fly through the trees
In a breeze of ocean breaks
Through waves of time
Flooding the alleyways and highways
Of life in moments of pleasure
And humane pain
Walking and gliding in floats
Made of sheets coloured and choked
By all that religion feeds
In your self-obsessed narcissist superstitions

On days like these
I’m wondering and dreaming
Of accepting reality
With all its bitterness like having you

On days like these
I picture you lying high
Sprawled across your bed in actions and words
Like the butterfly that rests a short life
Over twigs, leaves, and nectar
In cobwebs of a mind playing notions of faked beauty
Painted with lines and pastes
Blinding through no glasses but only frames
Of cosmetic nature
And liberated punctures
That you hope make up for the lies in promises that he never breaks
But for all that glitters and hearts that remain shattered
By all that society feeds
To your self-obsessed narcissist superstitious soul

On days like these
I’m crying and praying
Of accepting reality
With all its bitterness like loving you

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